CRISIS OF FAITH

This is the time that tests men's souls.  The period when an avocation 
becomes more burden than relief.  At least, it is for me.  I've been 
recording "Blue Heaven" for the last two weeks (almost) and I've gotten 
to the point where it's not a whole hellava lot of fun anymore.  It 
seems burdensome, and I'd rather watch random Youtube videos about 
online personalities, who've pursued their dreams, than I'd rather 
pursue my own.

This is a symptom, of course: it's the clear sign of SELF-DOUBT.  "Blue 
Heaven" is nearly done -- the initial recording duty, that is.  And I'm 
at the point now, that when I hear my voice, I cringe, I mean, I just 
cringe.  It's a stylized story, with metaphorical alliteration and 
unnatural speech rhythms, and, I have to tell you, it's been tough.  I 
broke it up into thirteen parts, and have purposely restricted myself to 
only one part per day (per night, actually).  I don't know how sensible 
that is, since it's not a long story, and I always saw the performance 
of it as a live thing, done in a single sitting, as it were.  I'm not so 
used to performing in dribs and drabs like this.  And it really IS a 
performance, I've come to understand.  While it's ostensibly just a 
reading of my story, I believe it's morphed more into a dramatic 
performance than anything else.  That makes it a different ballgame, and 
-- at least to my mind -- justifies the slower production pace.  Then 
again, it can't POSSIBLY get slower than this thing has taken to get to 
this point (25 years), so what's another day, more-or-less?

But there's still that problem I have with my voice...I hear my line 
readings, and I'm dissatisfied.  But I gotta tell ya, they'll simply 
have to do.  I'm a lazy, lazy man, perhaps, but I've gotten out of the 
swing of acting, which this particular project seems to have become, and 
no mistake.  I'm hoping that when I edit it together later this month 
and into the new year, and then add in the music and sound effects and 
such, that I will be a bit more satisfied.  I'd hate think that the only 
public performance of this thing that I'm ever likely to do is one I'm 
innately unhappy with.

In other words, I have NO idea if "Blue Heaven" is good, bad, or 
indifferent.  I have NO view if I'll like it or hate it.  And, 
certainly, I have no clue whatsoever how others might react.  I guess 
I'll find out in a couple of months.  I can't think that far ahead right 
now, though, and I can't indulge in self-recrimination about time lost 
or intonations mischosen during the recording process.  It'll be 
whatever it ends up being.  Que sera, friggin' sera.

(c) 2010 lostnbronx
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lostnbronxATgmailDOTcom

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