FLAWLESS INDOLENCE 

I've had some free time this week, so what do I do with it?  I sit back 
and watch movies, or idly surf, and/or do anything but get some work 
done.  I must be tired.  I know I feel it.  I need time AND energy to 
get the projects on my list accomplished, and I'm not seeing the energy 
part come forward.  And by energy, what I really mean, I think, is 
enthusiasm.  I wax and wane.  Sitting and recovering from the day's 
trials can seem more productive to me than hammering at my writing 
(which is the next project up for me).

This happens when I'm stuck.  I'm having issues on one script, and I 
thought taking time away from it might help.  Sometimes it does.  
Sometimes it just makes the issue get bigger.  That's what's going on 
here.  I need to restart this script, I think...but you know, that's 
work, and I'm a-feared of work.

Whenever I get stuck in a place like this, it follows a pattern.  
There's some good stuff in it, but this one is going nowhere.  So, I 
want to keep the good stuff, but restart in a new direction.  And just 
saying it like this makes it seem like a simple process.  On the one 
hand, it is, but on the other, I'm feeling lost.  Lostnwords.  Eh, it's 
not the first time...

See, the real problem is confusion.  Do I go here or there?  Do I do 
this or that?  And the energy associated with any act of enthusiasm is 
lacking under those circumstances.  The goal, therefore, is to remove 
the very need for enthusiasm -- that is to say, make the process 
mechanistic.  The more automatic I make it, the more (in theory) I'll 
get done.

It seems childishly-simplistic, doesn't it?  I'm not whining, though.  
Not really.  I'm examining my motivations, and that's not usually an 
attractive process.

What is the hold-up?  Why is the enthusiasm ebbing so lowly at the 
moment?  Because the actual direction of the work -- in this case, the 
technical structure of the current script -- needs changing, but I'm 
unwilling or even unsure how to make those changes.  It would mean a 
re-write.  Those are never welcome when you're in production, since 
time is a factor.  Because it means taking the story or characters in 
an unplanned for direction, even.  I don't know.

Sorry to admit it, but I must confess that real life is the biggest 
impediment sometimes.  The reverbation of conflict or challenge during 
the day often leave me enervated and depressed.  Not that it's like 
this always.  Certainly, I find my moments, such as the ones I'm 
stealing away for myself now.  But we can't ignore the impact of the 
daily grind, and we can't hope to subjugate those pressures and 
influences to the needs of the muse: our lives often win out over our 
aspirations and inspirations.

Pardon my jingoism, but this examination of my near-perfect laziness is 
a point of interest for me.  That is to say, I hate it, so it holds my 
attention.  As corporeal, work-a-day folks, the clock, and, thus, the 
world (and the lives we attach to it) often rules our attention more 
than our passions.

See, it can really suck to be alive most days -- but it beats the 
alternative.

Friday, July 08, 2011
(c) 2011 lostnbronx
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