LOSING TO WIN

Yesterday, I received the list of finalists for the 2011 Parsec Awards, 
an award ceremony for the best in speculative fiction audiocasts.  I'd 
entered "Blue Heaven" into it in the short story category, and 
predictably, it wasn't selected to continue in the award process.  
That's okay, because the competition was fierce, and I was always 
uncertain about the format, while being frankly embarrassed by the 
sound quality.  Nathan Lowell, along with four others, made the cut.  
Lowell is a power to be reckoned with in a setting like this, and I 
don't feel bad being passed over for him and other people in his class.  
Submitting my dramatic story for this was a process that I wanted to 
learn, and remaining objective gives me insight that wounded pride or 
self-denigration would cause me to miss.

The plain facts are that it likely WAS a format issue (a dramatized 
story adds music and sound effects to a narration -- and "Blue Heaven" 
is chock-full of both -- which I do not think they were looking for); 
and the recording quality is uneven.  I think the writing holds up, as 
does the reading of the text, but it's not a story that will ever be a 
great crowd pleaser.  All in all, compared to other science-fiction 
and/or heavy drama audio works out there, I think it's good -- but 
there are better.

That puts to mind my need to improve, naturally.  And the ONLY way that 
will happen is by working.  Working (gulp!) every day.  It's that 
associated imperative for disciple that I fear.  Not the discipline 
itself, but the fact that I certainly NEED it, and will therefore have 
to apply it.  That without a nose (presumably mine) to a grindstone 
(presumably also mine), anything other than minute improvement is not 
possible.  That if I want to get better, and even be in the position to 
be outraged that I didn't get picked for one of these silly things, I 
need to be good enough.  As it stands, my work ISN'T good enough.  I 
know it.  And I know I need to do something about it.  Enthusiasm can 
get you a ways, true, but only so far.  Discipline can get you farther.  
And when teamed up, they assure success, I think.

This is just rah-rah-go-team shit that we've all heard before.  Trite, 
even hackneyed stuff.  But it's time I listened.  It's time I decided 
to put a little of my comforting cynicism aside, and take a chance that 
I might actually get something done, and then, therefore, be 
responsible for doing more.  It's a risk, sure -- but whatever.  So is 
using the bathroom some days.

Sunday, July 31 2011
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