PALAVER-009 -- written on Fri 2011-04-22 ========== (INTRO-MUSIC up, holds a bit, then dips) For Monday, April 25th, 2011...it's the "Palaver Audiocast". With lostnbronx. (INTRO-MUSIC back up, holds a bit, then dips again) Episode 9...Thinner Than Your Dreams (INTRO-MUSIC up, holds, then out) Hello, this is lostnbronx. The other day, my friends Deepgeek, Klaatu, and I were chatting via email, and the topic of families and family relationships came up. Now those are things that I have some strong views upon, as I suspect most people do, and I thought I'd inflict MINE upon YOU, my gentle listeners. If this episode interests you at all, or if it bothers you, or if it just leaves you indifferent and gassy, then you have those fine gentleman to thank as well. Firstly, though, I need to cover the terminology. When I say family, I mean Mrs. Bronx, Little Bronx, and myself; but when I say FAMILY, with that special emphasis, I'm referring to the true topic of the show, namely...all the other relations in our lives. Now then, a hypothetical outside observer would likely see my FAMILY situation as being disjointed or even estranged, and in dire need of improvement. And they wouldn't be wrong. Except for that last part. There's a line from that Broadway show, "Rent" -- OLD Broadway show now, I guess: a line that refers to "...life in an isolating age...". It struck a cord with me; because I believe that the latter half of the Twentieth Century, wherein I was born and raised, AND the current century, are well described by that lyric. I may have quoted that show once before, I don't know, but indulge me here a bit. Now, we live in a time that's better connected than any in human history; a time when little communities can be tailor-suited to an individual, and can consist of people from all over the world. Language barriers still abound, but who knows? Maybe accurate, realtime translation applications or services are just around the corner, but my point is stolen from another trite song: it's a small world, after all. The boundless elements of our current society make the traditional bindings of FAMILY more tenuos. Now, that's not true in every case, but it's an aspect of modern life that has to be recognized. This may well just be an American problem, but, a.) I doubt we're the only ones so afflicted; and, b.) I don't actually see it as an affliction at all. Evolution comes at a price. That's true for societies as well as species. I don't know where we're going, but I can tell you we're definitely on our way. Does it mean the end of the nuclear family as we have traditionally known it? Well, AS we've known it, I have no idea. But, at all? No, I don't think so. Remember, that's family, not FAMILY. And it's not the fault of technology at any course. Divorce rates, growing equality and financial opportunities between the sexes, and general social trends in Western societies, have all made huge changes to our FAMILY traditions. But we're still human, and we still want all those connections. The digital age has allowed many people in industrialized societies to reach out to like minds. In a lot of cases, those long-distance connections are being plugged right in to the holes our eroding FAMILY Values are becoming riddled with. I don't see a problem with that. A Tailored Life. It's what we all want. Clothes, cars, media, software, friends and FAMILIES. We want them to suit us. To a "T" if we can manage it; but certainly better than random chance or scarcity or poverty would otherwise dictate. I mean, outside of marriage or Civil Ceremonies or adoption, you have no choice in your relations. You DO however, have a choice in your RELATIONSHIPS with your relations. The FAMILY you were born into has an influence on you -- on your personality, on your own values, on your outlook on life. But your FAMILY only defines these things if you so choose. And if you so choose, you can break with them. It's my fervent belief that people will always have issues with you living your dreams...or even just LIVING at all sometimes. Someone will always be hurt, or believe themselves to be, by THAT act of will. And I'm not talking about crazy bigots or murderers or anything so dramatic or ugly, real though those things are; no, I'm talking about people feeling slighted or damaged, or disadvantaged by you living on your own terms. Just having a place of your own, where ever that may be; going through your days differently than maybe other people think you should. People who care about you maybe. Or MAYBE people who care about you best when your values appear to be like theirs. Many FAMILY members will criticize you, either openly or otherwise, for the choices you make; for the dreams you value or reach for; and certainly and most vociferously, for the mistakes you make in attempting to do so. The concern here is, does it all stick? Are THEIR issues with you also YOUR issues with you? No one's perfect. People screw up. Sometimes, ALL the time. So, are they right? Should you live like them after all? Maybe. Likely not, but maybe. But THEY don't get a say in that. YOUR life. YOUR path. Who doesn't have regrets? Show me that person, and, if they're actually sane, I'll shake their hand. To live is to choose. Choose to conform, choose to rebel, choose to ignore. Some choices are unfortunate -- that is to say, fortune does not favor them. Some are worthy, but poorly executed; others, doomed from the start. Most are tenuous or fantastic to the point of impossibility. And you're IN there somewhere; somewhere in that melange of choices that we call "getting a life". And the cost of being YOU, of living on your own terms shouldn't be your dreams. The petty bickering, the silent judgements, the vile "I told you so's"...they WILL stick to you if you let them; they WILL mold your dreams FOR you, and, so, pervert them. I say pervert, but maybe I mean purloin; they will STEAL them, and spirit them away. Those are the losses to fear. As Mrs. Bronx is wont to say, "I'd rather regret the things I've done, rather than the things I didn't do." What do you owe your FAMILY? Everything? Nothing? Everything AND nothing? When you dodge the phone because you owe somebody with a percieved claim on you some attention, then you're certainly seeing them as being more trouble than they're worth, in that context. Sure, you might love them. But love and resentment are not at all incompatable. Love and tyranny are not. Even love and hate are not. On the other hand love and obligation go hand-in-hand: though there are many ways to express it, when you love someone or some thing, you are OBLIGED to DO for them. Our mistake is equating FAMILY with a kind of selfless, obligation-free love. We oftentimes feel OBLIGED to DO for FAMILY, regardless of how we really feel about them, or how the DOing impacts our own priorities and dreams. I mean, what's a phone call? Nothing? Close-to? What are years of them? What do years of off-hand, judgemental certainty by someone who feels they have the right to say their piece about your life add up to? A complex parting, almost certainly. I mean, we'll ALL part in the end, and we'll often part before then. But when you love AND resent at the same time, a person's absense, just like their presence in your life, will be made of mixed stuff. Your memories of them will bear little comfort. Better to leave it all behind, I say: the people AND their dramas. That's right, I'm advocating that blood, while thicker than water, is thinner than your dreams. FAMILY can be a drain, and an impediment. When they're not, IF they're not in your life, then you may not be able to even COMPREHEND what I've said here. That's okay, because some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Some of you endure this daily, as I do. The benefits of having a happy extended FAMILY can't really be overstated. However, I believe that it is a rare and magical animal indeed: a unicorn in real life. But not my life. And not many people's. And, if we are the sum of our parts, of our fortunes and choices, then no one could ever say with sincerity that they are TRULY free, no matter HOW they live. But I'll take a complicated past over a complicated present or future. I'll take the long-distance angry words or pained silences of those I did not choose to share my time on this Earth with; I'll take it over spending of it WITH them. Yes, I am supremely selfish, for I have chosen to hold myself blameless for disappointing the expectations of others, expectations I never once asked for or encouraged. I'm not the man they thought I be? Not the man they were hoping for, or expecting? Am I cold and distant? Maybe. Probably. I won't argue. I won't wonder why they feel that way, or rail at the injustice of it. I won't accuse them of past wrongs, or failings within themselves they refuse to acknowledge. I won't do any of that, because that's what they want. They want me to fight. Because if I do, they have my attention. MY life. MY choices. MY emotional well; and for them, for FAMILY, it runneth dry. ========== Okay, now then, as Long John Silver said, "Come away with you 'Awkins! Sit you down and hear the news!" 1.) "Driving With Eddie" is done, and almost ready for release. I put a promo together, which you can find on my site. A.) "Eddie's" not safe for work, and very crude, but it's a type of humor I enjoy. B.) It's based on the types of friendships I remember from my youth. 2.) In other news, I uploaded a whole bunch of audio files that I call, "lnb's Audio Diary". 3.) I did an HPR episode recently. 4.) We're on something of an hiatus with IU -- it'll be out when it's out. 5.) I've been slow with the phlog updates, but I hope to get better. Well, that's it for this one. Hope you liked it. I won't lose sleep if you didn't, but I DO hope it wasn't torture. Then again, if it was, and you STILL listened...man, what the hell were you thinkin'?! This has been lostnbronx. Take care. ========== (OUTRO-MUSIC up, holds, then dips) You can contact me at lostnbronxATgmailDOTcom, that's (SPELL IT). You can check out my site at: info-underground.net/lnb Music for this episode is a piece called "Electolux_Fantasies", by Briareus, available on ccmixter.org. "Palaver" is copyright 2011 by lostnbronx, and is released under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike Unported 3.0 License. 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